but the lizard people decide everything anyway
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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