i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
