Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's never too late to be topless.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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