just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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