the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
