The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
