she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
