She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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