boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
