he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
