I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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