shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
