i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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