Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
