you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
