I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
