I got chris browned last night
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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