why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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