Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
