god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
