Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
