Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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