I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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