I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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