i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
