His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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