A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
