I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
