if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
