Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
