Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
