My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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