if i died would you start the facebook group?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
