Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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