My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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