the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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