I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
