I think I died a long time ago.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
