I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
