If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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