Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Put some vodka in it
put some vodka in it
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?