I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?