rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast