mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So much rum. So many feels.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
i think my cat just said my name.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
