I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
