I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
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hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
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He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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