First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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