people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
