Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
