I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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