Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
