I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
