You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
