So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
