he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
